Worthing and District Allotments and Gardens Association

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Tall Stories

GOD and LAWNCARE

GOD:  Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and earthworms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

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Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone and he wanted to plant his annual tomato garden but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Franco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Franco,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Franco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, the police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Franco

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Cartoons

CLEVER CARVINGS

TALENTED VEG

Thank you, Matt

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Gardening Definitions

Gardener:                         Someone who calls a spade a spade until they trip over one.
Pruning:                            A method of killing plants
Hoeing:                             A method of killing seedlings whilst distributing stones
Compost:                          The only thing which grows
Bulb:                                 Potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.
Broad bean:                      Vegetable grown as food for blackfly
Annual:                             An unwanted plant which persists in reseeding itself year after year
Perennial:                         Should appear each year but doesn't
Weed:                               Main garden crop
Allotment:                         But little achieved
Digging:                            Wife's nagging about garden
Rockery:                           Heap of rubble left behind by builder

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Jokes

Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage. He sent out a decree that from then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise and bits of carrots. This is known as Cole's Law.

If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?          Pilgrims
What does the letter "a " have in common with flowers?         They both have bees coming after them.
What flowers does every body have on their face?           Tulips
What do two bananas do when they meet each other?          A banana shake!
What is King Kong's favorite food?      Ape-ricots!
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?      A neck-tarine!
What do you call an apple that plays the trumpet?      A tooty fruity!
What kind of shoes are made from banana peels?      Slippers!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?         Pumpkin pi
What do you call a stolen yam?           A hot potato
Why do potatoes make good detectives?          Because they keep their eyes peeled
What do you call two young married spiders?          Newly webs.          
What do you call a grumpy and short tempered gardener?         A SnapDragon.
What do you call it when someone commits murder with an apple?          Malus Aforethought!
What is small, red and whispers?         A hoarse radish
What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What's the strongest vegetable on the allotment? A muscle sprout.
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?   Doug
What do you call a man without a spade in his head?   Douglas.
What do you call a homeless snail?    A slug
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.
What is the most dangerous vegetable onboard ship?        A leek

Oh, come on, you can do better than that surely!